Years ago, you said you were leaving. Times were tough and you needed to think of your children, your career so you hopped on the first flight to England (Australia, America, Canada) or was it the first bus to Jo’burg (Namibia, Botswana, Zambia). PS. beore you’re outchea telling me that it’s the UK and not England/London, first correct the 16.5 million strong Zimbabwean population that insists on using this nomenclature.
Now where was I? You left and said you’d come back now now or rather you left and said you were never coming back, that you’d marry the first citizen and apply for spousal rights forthwith. The important thing is that you’re back or at least you’re coming back. Now it doesn’t matter whether you came back for altruistic and patriotic reasons or you were deported, Customs and Excise does not discriminate. In the interests of all things good I shall give you one or two tips on returning to make the transition smooth for you.
You’ve returned to power cuts and queues. To make matters worse, you can’t deposit money at the ATM or complete half the transactions you used to complete online. Spur breakfast doesn’t cost R29.99 and you can’t afford half the stuff you could afford when you lived in a different country. For the sake of your blood pressure start meditating. Preferably today.
Bring something for all your relatives
Even if you can’t afford to, even if you go into debt in the process. How dare you go all the way across the Indian Ocean/ Limpopo River and come back without a single thing for your mother, father, cousin and random uncle who lived next door to your grandmother in the village? This is what happens when there’s too much Englishness. (If you don’t know what Englishness is, kindly refer to Nervous Conditions).
Get used to slow service
Now, you keep complaining that people who work at SMEs (Shumba and Museyamwa Enterprises) offer slow service and you miss X Bank that you worked with when you were back in the States. Let me remind you that the poor lady at the counter probably attended a nhamo this weekend where she was the chief muroora and, as such, performed all the labour. In addition, she probably has to perform 5000 wifely duties before coming to work to answer your irritating queries about whatever it is you’re asking for but did you think about that before? No, you only think of yourself.
Get used to potholes
This is non negotiable. Especially if you live anywhere near Arcturus Road. Matter fact, get yourself a PhD in defensive driving especially now that you share a road with them kombi drivers.
Carry entertainment wherever you go
Whether its your iPad or a book, y’all gon’ need something to do when you standing in the bank queue (even if you’re just here to make an enquiry), the Zesa payment queue or even just waiting to see the manager at a company.
Dress like people will comment on your clothing
Because they will. Remember that now that we’re in Zim. Shorts, short skirts and everything else that doesn’t fall into the Puritanical Dress Code is haram. If you don’t have a copy of the Puritanical Dress Code, simply watch reruns of Gringo then dress like Mai Gweshegweshe. Also note that if you have dreadlocks, people will assume that you’re not decent and/or that you have a latent ganja addiction. You’ve been warned.
Everyone is your relative
On the cold streets of Rugby (or wherever it is you were), you hardly had any friends wezhira. You got used to it. Now random people call you Mainini/Maiguru or Khule/Tsano and your system doesn’t know how to react to it. Take it in your stride and remember that you’re now free to speak your mother tongue and refer to everyone as your relative.
That’s about it for now. Feel free to add your comments below and in the words of Mace, “welcome back!”